How to Stick to Your New Year’s Resolutions
The pressure of actually pulling off holiday optimism-driven resolutions like “Looks like this is the year to lay off those morphine suppositories” or “No more waking up in strange bathrooms” often turns out to be too great to achieve without the support of your friends and family.
But filling loved one’s in on the troublesome near-fatal vices you’ve cultivated over the past 12 months and are looking to shed before they kill you in this new year can often be embarassing and, let’s face it, pretty pathetic. Who wants to know the gory details of what you do on the weekends…or just those seven or twelve times in Berlin…or with a zebra named Moko? Not me, Doris. I got a graveyard in my closet, no room for stressing about your skeletons.
The solution? Do what everyone today does when they’re unhappy and too scared to go to a therapist to be actually told what’s wrong with them: write a blog! Be sure to delude yourself into thinking enough people read your blog to freak you out that you’ve aired your sick, blood stained laundry in a public forum and now have to stick with your outrageous claims. It works! Ask me how!
“But wait”, you worry, “what if I’m not ready to let the world know just how fucked up I am?” Well, take it in baby steps then. When you publish your resolutions, fuzz out the naughty bits. You know what they are, folks know that they’re there, but neither side is really accountable for doing or supporting anything. Next time you fall down flight of stairs trying to juggle two bottles of Jim Beam the on-looking crowd can pretend it was the *other* vice that you said you’d quit! You’re motivated, plus your there’s no pressure on your reader(s) to feign concern or care! Sweet all around!
To get you started, here’s my New Year’s resolutions:
1. Enough with the late night *****ing. How many *****alls can one man handle before permanent damage?
2. Quit ****ing those ********icks. Seriously? It’s killing me. I can barely walk some mornings.
3. Start ****ing *** in the *** more. A lot more. Like every day. Even if it hurts. We’ll both be happier.
And if I can actually pull off any of the above, I’ll let you know. If not…oh well! Whatever! Responsibility free self motivation through Wordpress generated paranoid neurosis. That’s soooooooooo 21st century! The Internet? Frickin’ magic, baby.
Feliz año nuevo, payasos!
